Page 21 - Leisure Living Magazine: Spring 2021 Edition

The miracles of modern technology are allow- ing many Americans to ride out the COVID-19 pandemic from the comfort of their own homes without missing a beat. Thanks to innovations like Zoom and Amazon, we can simultaneous- ly work, shop, and enjoy Happy Hour with our friends while the kids happily go to school in the next room. We can even go to the doctor at home thanks to a brilliant app called Telehealth.
Downloading the app to your smartphone al- lows convenient scheduling on the spot whenever you are injured. Upon reporting your injury, the app automatically connects you to a Zoom face- to-face encounter with a live receptionist who verifies your insurance information and popu- lates your screen with an electronic form where you can enter your entire medical history starting with the circumstances of your conception. Upon finishing this form, your screen is populated with nine other patients “Hollywood-Squares” style in a group meeting format. It provides an incredi- bly authentic simulation of strangers in a waiting room staring blankly at each other while waiting to be called back to the exam room.
Just as you are all about to nod off, your virtual waiting room friends disappear and a medical as- sistant jars you awake and leads you down a virtu- al hallway to a scale. To make the simulation eerily lifelike, the assistant instructs you to walk down your own hallway and stand on your own scale. After recording your weight, you are instructed to find a medium-sized bath towel that you will later use to drape yourself “toga-party” style to expose the injured area while simultaneously cov- ering your private parts. You are then virtually led to the exam room (your bedroom), told to have a seat on the exam table (your bed), and given a few minutes of privacy to undress and change into the gown (your toga).
Some time in the future, the deepest sleep you have ever experienced is interrupted by a loud virtual knock on the door by the physician assis- tant, who asks you a bunch of questions and vir- tually examines your injury (watches you examine yourself). The assistant then leaves to report the
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Enjoy the humor of Telehealth!
findings to the doctor, who appears on your screen approximately seven hours later to inform you that your injury is far too complex to be treated over a video chat.
At checkout, you are asked to complete a cus- tomer satisfaction survey which involves scrolling through a long list of questions for each of the peo- ple who helped you on your Telehealth visit: the receptionist, your waiting room friends, the med- ical assistant, the physician assistant, the doctor, and a random stranger designed to make sure you are not a robot. After completing this survey, you are prompted to schedule your in-person appoint- ment, which you decline because your injury has long since healed on its own.
Mark Salamon is a physical therapist with twenty- five years of experience making people laugh while simultaneously inflicting pain. He honed his sense of humor by raising three hilarious daughters with his wife, Melissa. More advice and humor can be found on his website marksalamonpt.com.
Telehealth - Coming To A Phone Near You
By Mark Salamon PT, Humor Writer
Spring 2021 LeisureLiving | 21